Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Lemming Pedestrians

Over the last few weeks - I have been assailed by Lemming Pedestrians from all directions.

Before proceeding, it is probably best that I describe this species of human I am calling the "lemming pedestrian". This less cuddly suicide hunter is a person who walks across the road without looking, or steps into the road right in front of a vehicle. I can only assume that the reason for this is because they want to end their dull miserable lives - it cannot be for reasons such as they are too busy worrying about being late for work, reading a text or that they only think cars are on the road (and we all know cars make a broom broom noise) because that would make them really stupid and it would be wrong for me to assume that a person is that thick, despite their obvious desire to end up literally brain dead.

All I am asking for that these pedestrian lemmings do this by sticking their head in an oven or shooting themselves, any other way in fact, that does not mean they endanger others who are quite happy to be alive and would like to continue doing so.

My route into work takes me up Tooley Street outside London Bridge station, here the Lemmings seem to mass regularly (though not exclusively) in great numbers. I can only guess that the large amount of aggression and tutting they endure from fellow train travellers when they try to throw themselves in front of trains (leading to major rail delays) has meant they have resorted to throwing themselves in front of cyclists (or maybe just me). I would like to point out that my 6.9kg push bike is nowhere near as effective as a 50 ton train (O.K. the train weight thing is a guess). Additionally  I am assuming that the train driver is going to get a lot less hurt that I am when you are hit.

So having identified Tooley Street as London’s prime location for mass suicide attempts, I decided to be extra vigilant, keeping a wary eye out for these suicide loving critters. This initially led to me not using the bike lane and overtaking vehicles on the right. This cunning plan came to an end on day one; very quickly I learnt that cunning critters are not so easily fooled and in one traverse of Tooley Street I ended up doing 3 emergency stops to avoid hitting them as they jumped out in front of me from behind buses and lorries (or any other vehicle that they figured I would have no chance of seeing them behind).

Not to be outdone, I started using the bike lane on the left of the road (in itself no mean feat with all the taxis pulling over to the left with no warning or indication). Day one was fine – I had out foxed them – but by day two they had figured out my cunning ruse and two of them managed the most audacious jump in front of me, that were timed to perfection. As I sit here typing this I am still amazed at how I managed to stop in time and not kick their teeth out as I flew over the handlebars in a forward roll (no time to get my weight back on the saddle).

To further detail my study of the lesser spotted coffin chasers, I can confirm that they are an all female species and they make an "Oh eek" sound just before they think they are going to die. I am assuming the sound cannot be one of surprise for surely if you run out from in front of a bus into a cycle lane you cannot be over surprised if you meet an oncoming bike - now if I was a giraffe then I might expect an "Oh eek" sound, implying surprise at seeing me on a London street, but a bike in a bike lane is not a surprise.

Given their failure to kill themselves up until this point I am expecting more guile from these fluffy death lovers over the next few weeks - from now onwards I will keep a vary eye out for them jumping from the top of a bus or up out of a man hole cover - I really have no idea what pre-planed ruse they will try next in their determined push to reach Nirvana.

Writing all this, reminds me of the famous Petronella Wyatt in the Daily Fail and her mother who apparently gets hit by cyclists on a regular basis (or not as the case turns out to be) whilst we are on the subject of that lying (or more politely "extremely lazy") journalist, a new link has just occurred to me. In her column she stated (assuming she wrote it) that she had a thing against cyclists as she remembers her mum having an affair with one, she used to see his bike parked outside her mums house. I am assuming that it is the same mother who was also hit by the cyclist in the street (maybe the same one she was having an affair with in her younger days - that clue I give to the police for free). But isn't this the same Petronella Wyatt who had an affair with Boris Johnson, another person famous for being a cyclist? I can't be bothered to check out the facts - I am training to be a daily fail journalist, but if it is true, then what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree - seems to be a very real thing!

Anyway - back to the death loving pedestrians (whom I now am thinking are all controlled telepathically by Petronella Wyatt's mother). It must be the case that these people are either on drugs or being controlled telepathically by a sinister super brain - I swear to god people cannot be so thick as to cross a road without looking, so there must be another element to this? If we exclude Petronella Wyatt's mother and drugs (after all I see the programmes on telly where customs are catching all the drugs being brought into the country) then there must be something else - but what? ................ (this is me racking my brain for a reason)............ I give in - it is just going to have to be them being dumb twunks. Given this revelation - I shall now start to call them as such when they next throw themselves in front of me - it's not my anger but reasoned logic.

Me on my bike - can you take you cloak back please Harry?
I forgot to submit this post for a few days - but no fear it has allowed me another paragraph - yesterday evening whilst winding my way down Tooley street I was able to have a multi-muppet incident. As ever I stop at the red light at the pedestrian crossing, the lights went green, I started to set off only for 4 lemmings all at once to jump in front of me. I slammed on the brakes only for the idiot on a bike behind me to crash into my back (I don't think he has heard about covering his brakes when in traffic) after dislodging his handle bars from under me seat (no mean feet as I think he was still trying to pedal forwards and therefore took about 15 seconds) I set off again only for more lemmings to jump in front of me again - seriously this is a death wish of the highest order! Later on the same ride I rode through Lewisham on a busy dual carriage road (well one lane and a bus lane) so as I went down this wide fast road at about 25 mph a pedestrian walked right out in front of me, the whole road was clear except for me - seriously have I got an  invisibility cloak on?

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